Archive for the 'Texas Charm School' Category

Texas Charm School Lesson 4

Wednesday, June 27th, 2007

Recently a nameless preacher referred to the land of my birth as bumpkinville.  The wife was a little put off.  I told her, “Bless his heart, he doesn’t know any better.”  Then, the other day, a different fella referred to rural folks as bumpkins.  The country gentleman to his right quickly corrected this uncouth behavior.

These instances have made me realize that a Texas Charm School Lesson is in order.

Texans sometimes use pejoratives as terms of endearment.  This often contributes to the confusion.  But in such cases, those pejoratives are in fact endearing.   But the use of these pejoratives in a demeaning manner can be insulting to people of rural backgrounds.  Therefore using terms like hayseed, bumpkin and redneck should be approached with the same scrutiny given to racial slurs and vulgarities.

Often the insulted individuals will be moved to educate the offender.  The manner of this education grows progressively less pleasant depending on the severity of the offense and the temper of the offended.

Now many offenders will be confused by the nature of the language I have used.  So, let me put this in terms that are easily understood by the pseudo-urbane.  Watch your mouth city boy, or one of us country bumpkins will be forced to teach you some manners.

Texas Charm School Lesson 3

Monday, May 14th, 2007

If you find yourself driving down the rural roads in Texas you will quickly notice the finger wave. Texans drive with one hand on the top of the wheel. As you approach oncoming traffic, the drivers will raise two fingers on that hand. This is the finger wave.

This may seem trivial but it aint. This is a big deal. If you fail to finger wave of return the finger wave Texans will think less of you. You will be considered, “stuck up.”

The finger wave is not the only important wave in Texas roadway etiquette. There is also the passing wave. This is not to be confused with the pass me wave. The passing wave is needed when someone pulls to the shoulder to let you pass. Failure to execute the passing wave will be interpreted as ingratitude.

The pass me wave is done by a driver with his left hand. The driver will lift two fingers to his ear and motion forward. This is a go ahead signal. At that point you are free to pass without any fear of acceleration. Follow up with a passing wave.

Being Texas friendly on the Texas roadways is not only a moral imperative but smart. Texans will help you when you’re broke down. They will give you great directions. They are happy to meet folks from other places. And they will be happy to lend a hand if you have trouble of any kind.

Texas Charm School Lesson 2

Monday, November 13th, 2006

Many times when a person comes to Texas they have their whole experience screwed up by mistaking imposters for genuine Texan products. Often stores will box up their ice-cream to resemble bluebell. Or even worse, sometimes visitors are enticed into drinking Ziegen Bock. One thing no Texan wants is for a visitor to leave with a foul taste in their mouth.

Be forewarned, Ziegen Bock is not a real Texas Bock Beer. It is an Anheuser-Busch imposter that looks like Bock and smells like bock but the first taste screams, “This @$%#^* aint Bock!”

Texas Bock beers are not exactly like their German counterparts. European Bock beers are stronger and have more nutrients. Texas Bock beers are not brewed to survive on during fasting rather they are brewed solely for enjoyment.

Many Texas micro breweries make fine Bock beers. The standard by which all Texas Bocks are judged is Shiner Bock. It is a real Texas beer from a brewery in Shiner Texas. It is sold in many states and is quite enjoyable. Drunks should not even bother with this beer. It is far too full bodied and filling for such taste. Beer aficionados will love it. It is good stuff.

Texas Bocks can be enjoyed straight from the bottle or poured in a frosty pilsner with at medium to large head. They complement steak and brisket quite well. Ordering a fine Texas Bock will reveal your good taste to those around you.

Remember, when in Texas, being inebriated can lead to a terrible case of Bootintoosh disease. So, please behave yourself.

Texas Charm School Lesson 1

Thursday, November 9th, 2006

The English language suffered a terrible loss a while back. It seems that as a culture we no longer saw fit to use a second person singular pronoun. “Thee” was dropped so “you” started doing double duty as both plural and singular. This left us without the ability to distinguish between the two.

Well in the Southern United States, we rectified that situation. We use the term “you all.” We also contracted that term to, “y’all.”

The apostrophe in that contraction disappears sometimes leaving us with, “yall.” This comes in handy when we use compound contractions such as, “yall’re.” You might hear, “Yall’re in a big hurry!” That would look ridiculous with more apostrophes.

I can’t answer for the whole South but I have a pretty good grip on the Texas vernacular. Let me make this perfectly clear. Y’all is only a plural pronoun. Nobody with a modicum of intelligence uses “Y’all” as a singular pronoun. That use of the word is strictly for Sandy Squirrel, idiots and people who try to sound southern. Misuse will quickly identify you as one of those three.