Archive for the 'Humor' Category

Texas Charm School Lesson 4

Wednesday, June 27th, 2007

Recently a nameless preacher referred to the land of my birth as bumpkinville.  The wife was a little put off.  I told her, “Bless his heart, he doesn’t know any better.”  Then, the other day, a different fella referred to rural folks as bumpkins.  The country gentleman to his right quickly corrected this uncouth behavior.

These instances have made me realize that a Texas Charm School Lesson is in order.

Texans sometimes use pejoratives as terms of endearment.  This often contributes to the confusion.  But in such cases, those pejoratives are in fact endearing.   But the use of these pejoratives in a demeaning manner can be insulting to people of rural backgrounds.  Therefore using terms like hayseed, bumpkin and redneck should be approached with the same scrutiny given to racial slurs and vulgarities.

Often the insulted individuals will be moved to educate the offender.  The manner of this education grows progressively less pleasant depending on the severity of the offense and the temper of the offended.

Now many offenders will be confused by the nature of the language I have used.  So, let me put this in terms that are easily understood by the pseudo-urbane.  Watch your mouth city boy, or one of us country bumpkins will be forced to teach you some manners.

Spurs that couldn’t Jingle to save their Life

Wednesday, June 20th, 2007

Let’s take a break from all the serious stuff for a while. Let us consider the plight of the romantically challenged. I submit this story of sad defeat.

I recently got out to lunch a little late. I did not bring my lunch so I had one choice, Whataburger. Now hitting the drive through at Whataburger on a Saturday morning at 2am has good and bad points. The bad part is the line. The good part is you get dinner and a show.

There was a line but it was a funny line. See all the night clubbers come by open drive throughs after the bars close. This night three nice looking young ladies decided they were not through dancing yet. They were all around their car with doors open and the music blasting. They were pretty enough to keep folks from complaining.

Then a car with three fellas parked and one of them got out. Let’s call him emo dude. He wore a faux-mo(hair brushed up to resemble a Mohawk) and girls jeans. He demonstrated the best example of what not to do when meeting girls that I have ever seen.

You ask, “What does a married guy that is pushing 40 know about picking up girls?” True, I have been married for a while. True, I was no Casa Nova when I was single. All I really know is the basics. Emo dude did not have a grasp of those basics.

There were three girls. The blonde was short and cute and danced at the front of the car for everyone to notice. The black girl was driving and dancing outside of the drivers door. She was so good looking that she couldn’t help but get attention. Outside of the passenger side door was the unobtrusive tagalong brunette. She was joining in but deliberately trying to not stand out.

So it is after the clubs close and these girls are still with each other instead of running off with some romantic interest. Emo dude should have considered that but he didn’t. He headed straight for the blonde and tried to start up a conversation. She shut him down so he moved to the driver. She got back in the car. Then the other two did also. Emo dude slunk back to his buddies in defeat.

Now I wasn’t the most suave fella when I was single but even I could have given this loser a better strategy. If he would have zeroed in on the brunette and merely danced with her, he would have impressed all three of them. First, they were just out to dance and have fun not find a dude. The best he could hope for was to make an impression as a fun guy and learn some names and numbers. Second, starting with the girl who has been enjoying sending fellas away all night was no good strategy. Then he moves to the next girl who was sure to move him along. Finally, he completely ignored the quiet one. If he would have zeroed in on her, she would have been flattered that she was chosen over the other two. The other two would have been taken by surprise. They might have considered him to be thoughtful and observant at the least or gotten jealous at best. No matter what, he would have made quite the impression on all three young ladies.

But hey, what can you expect from a dude wearing women’s jeans?

Texas Charm School Lesson 3

Monday, May 14th, 2007

If you find yourself driving down the rural roads in Texas you will quickly notice the finger wave. Texans drive with one hand on the top of the wheel. As you approach oncoming traffic, the drivers will raise two fingers on that hand. This is the finger wave.

This may seem trivial but it aint. This is a big deal. If you fail to finger wave of return the finger wave Texans will think less of you. You will be considered, “stuck up.”

The finger wave is not the only important wave in Texas roadway etiquette. There is also the passing wave. This is not to be confused with the pass me wave. The passing wave is needed when someone pulls to the shoulder to let you pass. Failure to execute the passing wave will be interpreted as ingratitude.

The pass me wave is done by a driver with his left hand. The driver will lift two fingers to his ear and motion forward. This is a go ahead signal. At that point you are free to pass without any fear of acceleration. Follow up with a passing wave.

Being Texas friendly on the Texas roadways is not only a moral imperative but smart. Texans will help you when you’re broke down. They will give you great directions. They are happy to meet folks from other places. And they will be happy to lend a hand if you have trouble of any kind.

La Salle: A BWH Texas History Lesson

Thursday, January 11th, 2007

In 1685 Rene Robert Cavelier Sieur de la Salle found himself with a bunch of soon to be colonists and no transportation. He was in scenic Matagorda Bay. Once he found his bearings and figured out that he was no-where near that Mississippi river that he discovered on an earlier trip, he figured out who his neighbors were.

The only native Texans in the Matagorda Bay area were the Karankawas. These Texans were tall, tatooed and kept dogs as pets. The traditions of tattooing and keeping dogs as pets are kept by Gulf coast Texans to this very day. The Frenchmen had a misunderstanding that their new neighbors would eat them so they built Fort Saint Louis somewhere close to present day Victoria. In reality the Karankawas were health conscious and would not dream of eating French people.

La Salle took advantage of this chance to explore hundreds of miles of Texas. These adventures ranged from the Trinity River to the Pecos River. Without a doubt, La Salle was one of the greatest outdoorsmen and explorers of all time.

Later, on an expedition to find other Frenchmen and better snails, La Salle met his end. Two of his own men provided what is present day Houston with its first murder. This established a tradition in Houston that is kept to this very day.

With La Salle dead, Fort Saint Louis lost all leadership and purpose. Some escaped to Arkansas Post. The rest continued to devalue the real-estate. Fort Saint Louis eventually fell to the Karankawas. The French children were assimilated into the tribes but the adults were regarded as terminally French and consequently put out of their misery.

For my brothers in suffering

Monday, January 8th, 2007

To the tune of Yippee Ty Yi Yo.

When I was out sulkin’ and whinin’ and moanin’
I think I was tackled while walkin’ along
A star on his helmet, he looked like Bob Lilly
And as he strolled onward he sang out this song

Get ready for next year, don’t cry little Romo
You blew the post season because you’re so green
Get ready for next year, don’t cry little Romo
A loss in the playoffs will sure make you mean

So what about T.O. will he stay around here
It looks like he found where he might just fit in
But for the dropped passes he must surely answer
I wonder if Jerry has had it with him

Get ready for next year, don’t cry little Romo
You blew the post season because you’re so green
Get ready for next year, don’t cry little Romo
A loss in the playoffs will sure make you mean

That leaves us with Tuna the reigning Kahuna
Will he keep on coachin’ the great sport of kings
He broke his retirement and moved here to Dallas
To weigh down his hand with more super bowl rings

Get ready for next year, don’t cry little Romo
You blew the post season because you’re so green
Get ready for next year, don’t cry little Romo
A loss in the playoffs will sure make you mean

Copyright BWH

Moving the Doghouse.

Friday, December 8th, 2006

“That thing is too big to move on a little pickup.  You better get something bigger.”

“How in the world are you going to move that monstrosity?”

Answer:  Imagination,  Determination and Persperation.

Texas Charm School Lesson 2

Monday, November 13th, 2006

Many times when a person comes to Texas they have their whole experience screwed up by mistaking imposters for genuine Texan products. Often stores will box up their ice-cream to resemble bluebell. Or even worse, sometimes visitors are enticed into drinking Ziegen Bock. One thing no Texan wants is for a visitor to leave with a foul taste in their mouth.

Be forewarned, Ziegen Bock is not a real Texas Bock Beer. It is an Anheuser-Busch imposter that looks like Bock and smells like bock but the first taste screams, “This @$%#^* aint Bock!”

Texas Bock beers are not exactly like their German counterparts. European Bock beers are stronger and have more nutrients. Texas Bock beers are not brewed to survive on during fasting rather they are brewed solely for enjoyment.

Many Texas micro breweries make fine Bock beers. The standard by which all Texas Bocks are judged is Shiner Bock. It is a real Texas beer from a brewery in Shiner Texas. It is sold in many states and is quite enjoyable. Drunks should not even bother with this beer. It is far too full bodied and filling for such taste. Beer aficionados will love it. It is good stuff.

Texas Bocks can be enjoyed straight from the bottle or poured in a frosty pilsner with at medium to large head. They complement steak and brisket quite well. Ordering a fine Texas Bock will reveal your good taste to those around you.

Remember, when in Texas, being inebriated can lead to a terrible case of Bootintoosh disease. So, please behave yourself.